I love/hate how a song can take you places -- for instance I'm now in Paris France with just the gentle tap of a piano key -- it reverberates through my skin and pulses through my blood into my mind like a tsunami. I can see the end of something unfold all over again in it's rhythm. The sting of something unknown emerging in the lyrics of early spring.
Blossoms and frost wage war over the streets of Saint Germain as our eternal connection sneaks through the subtext of brick walls being born. An emotional world war three is taking place and it's happening at a rate we can't face. No strategy or defense -- only clenched fists and grit.
We both flirt with the waitress. Saying everything we want without saying anything at all. This place is fancy. A glass of champagne slides across the white table cloth soaking it up like a sponge. My glass -- yes, I did that.
A silence so deep begins to drown us both -- decadence and immaturity collide like gasoline hitting a flame. It catches us both off guard. Our mutual frustrations cake and solidify into an unspoken conversation of confusion. The beat of the song hitting each awkward moment in unison with the beat our hearts. We gather our words like arrows and shoot them at each other.
Her anger is hot like a stove and I can feel Paris about to catch fire. The level of defense seems unwarranted and I want to shake some sense into her -- I can't grab hold. She dissolves like water and evaporates in my hands. I hear myself say, "You wanted to come here. I told you not to."
She denies everything. I want to break like a prisoner but my ankle is cuffed to the table -- I'm held hostage by my own projections, struggling to grab hold to the truth of the situation. I'm stuck in a jail of my own making and this understanding is devastating.
Smash cut: we're cramped into a smelly tax - the driver cursing as us in French -- it magnifies our unrest. City details fly by like comets as past lives descend upon and the night continues to implode.
I'm lost in city of love... and suddenly found in the realization that things only have the power we give them -- that she is a gift even in the way she says everything I don't want to hear.
The song on my iPod changes -- Yeah Yeah Yeah's comes on -- it's 2005 and her lips are on my hip. My heart in her lead hands. A different "her", but in hindsight, a familiar situation.
Like a time traveler -- the realization hits me -- I can pick a new song -- something I've never heard -- I do so and the track changes. Suddenly, I'm transported to the precious present carrying a bag of tools -- an arsenal of experience . I create new memories as each strum of the guitar unfolds ... the melody is...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2013 (things I am grateful for today)
I.) the hummingbird stuck in my house right now
your gentle wings flap against my window
a wall of glass keeps you trapped
you can see downtown in the distance
an invisible barrier between here and there
i want to rescue you
i can hear my cat scratching the door
behind which he is locked
you softly pant in between fierce flapping
you beautiful omen, you
your exhaustion hurts my heart
panic is making you blind
i’ve been there
in the past
stuck behind an illusion
a prison of my own making
i was the activist and the dictator
i was the window and the world
i pray you slow down enough to see that the door is there
always waiting for you
to fly through
II.) growing up in a nursing home
taught me that life is precious
none of us get out alive
a great reason to stop fucking around
you are worthy of everything you want
so is everyone else
what is yours cannot be taken from you
if you’re holding on tight
it means you should probably let it go
give the world everything
give it all away
it can’t go with you anyway
rapture is what you will gain
the ultimate gift in disguise
a mirror of self love
I am divorcing you fear,
my new mistress is magic.
you illusive teacher
you ball busting bitch
you tornado of gently fury
you bearer of humility
you arrive uninvited
destroying my walls
dissolving my armor
blasting a spotlight on my flaws
but more importantly
your lessons are appreciated
(but maybe next time you could use a flashlight)
today the gratitude for you
is beyond clumsy words
restless summer winds move across
mellow tree branches
sun beaten roof tops
through lonely kitchen windows
to momentarily dance with incense
past the record player
a needle hops along the vinyl edge
humming the 60’s
rubbing a piece of history
jesus hangs on the wall
above the orange and yellow tile
out the bathroom window
around brick buildings
under a black cat
tickling her whiskers
onward through the rusty metal fence
floating up the cracked wooden stairs
under the crevice of a front door
she mixes with red wine
and cigarette smoke
gliding over lovers lips
pale white breasts
leaving goosebumps on unshaven legs
inhaling their secrets and sounds
continuing out french doors
past the plaid curtain
afraid of the dark night sky
over a balcony
trying to hold on to it
begging to stop
but having no such luck
every day she looks for a place to rest
searching for solace
she courts each house she passes through
hoping one will let her stay
oblivious to her own nature
to the facts
to the truth
comes from denying the nature of things.
ETERNITY IS NOW
Life's most significant moments rarely happen in celebration, with tons of commotion, or friends and family around. They are often born in the quiet breathes we take when something ends, sensing something new emerging in the dark night of the unknown. We feel something bigger taking hold. It's terrifying and exciting, but usually unassuming, found in the gentle smile of a stranger, the subtle connection you feel with their mutual longing. Sometimes, if you're lucky, it's seen in the soft light of dawn, as the sun rises after an anxious sleep and the mind settles just long enough to understand we get another day -- and in the deepest part of us, without a doubt, for a second, we know that is enough. We grab onto that feeling, hoping never to forget. We think to ourselves, this must be what the entire ride is about -- a series of experiences giving us an opportunity to love within the confusion and pain of it all. We are left wondering if the paradox is an endless chance, beckoning us to let go and start again -- to love ourselves and others unconditionally. Our existence could be an eternal opportunity to dance with each other in the adventure of uncertainty. Perhaps rapture is always a heartbeat away from us accepting and sharing our desire with another, giving into nature's process, however illogical it may seem, surrendering to our divine inheritance of well-being. Maybe inner peace is a birth right gifted and understood by those who run wild with the knowing and allowing that even the most tragic mistakes, are perfectly imperfect. What if all those seemingly meaningless and insignificant moments are breaking us down and breaking us open to the magic of life. What if all the suffering and bliss is trying to expose us to a universal truth, a vulnerability, a key to a lock we all search for when our sense of security has been taken from us, grounding us down to that place beyond illusion and distraction. Heartbreak might just be the call of the infinite, begging us to see the harmony in chaos. Beckoning us to step out of what we've been told, asking us to believe in the limitless space that lays before us. Maybe that moment, the one that happens over and over again, is life simply asking us to decide what we want to trust in, inspiring us to decide what we'd like to create next.
I'm a museum of mayhem, lost and found in the art lining the inside of my heart.
I excavate through veins, into the arteries of empty space and past mistakes.
I glare at paintings like their stars, begging for answers like crops beg for rain.
I come up with nothing but an army of sorrow and a war of grief splattered across walls like a Pollack painting.
I never really got him anyway.
Deep down I'm a Van Gogh kind of girl,
wild and tender, a misunderstood masochist teetering on the precipice of here and there.
Society's suicide of a man touches a nerve as I catch your perfume in the dusty wind of the desert.
It floats on translucent scorpions and the rhythm of your strings, I load stars like bullets and fire at everything.
BIBLE ON FIRE
I burnt my own bible
Lit that shit on fire
Tore my morality down
Like the Berlin Wall
Stripped off my skin
Like it was a tragic dress
Put my bones back together
Like a Lego Castle
Ripped out my heart
Sowed it back into place
with some bubble gum and grace
Shame equals humility
Humility equals compassion
Compassion equals forgiveness
DEMOLITION (a love letter to your soul)
You've got a bomb shelter full of secrets and a box of dynamite under your pillow. I tried to help you escape, but the door is bolted from the inside. The blood from heartbreak has filled in every crack except for a slit above the door. I wait on the other side. You can't remember how good the light feels, so you draw pictures of sunsets on little notes in an attempt not to forget. Sometimes you slide them through to me.
Your patterns have you locked up like the federal reserve. You're holding on so tight your gold is diminishing at a rate you can't take. Good thing eternity is now, and inflation an illusion. You've forgotten this. You've forgotten that you only get what you're willing to give, that love enters only by letting go. I believe in you. I know you'll remember who are when you're ready. I write this on the back of your drawing and slide it through the door. The silence is deafening. I turn and don't look back. I'll save me and you save you. I take shelter in grace, dancing on the other side of the world, waiting for you to escape. You detonate. I feel aftershocks in the back of my chest. Trust is my bulletproof vest.
I'll meet you at ground zero when the dust has settled and you've risen from the fire. We'll read messages in the ashes and grow a beginning from the end. It will be the healthiest thing that ever was born in either of us. It will be so easy it's terrifying. Our past lives will collide with the present, burning so bright, the entire world will find wholeness in our light.